Overview
I often used to look for writings or advice on this subject — Step Parents: What They Face; Tips on What To Do and What Not To Do; How to Remain Sane and Still Gain Respect; How To Be A Good Step Parent; Dealing With Problem Step Children and so on. I never found any books or articles and with the divorce rate what it is I do not understand this. Many people considering marrying a “family” instead of just a spouse would love to have information and have some of their questions answered. I plan to write a series of articles on this subject starting with the overview of my own experience and expertise that follows.
Since I held the title of full time Step Mom for thirteen years, I feel very qualified to spend a few moments sharing some thoughts and maybe even some encouragement. I was 26 when I married a man with four children aged 5,8,9, and 11 years old. The 5 year old was the only boy. I still ask myself today why I decided to undertake such a huge job. The answer: I did not know then that it was going to be huge.
Do I have any advice for someone debating a similar undertaking? You bet! Think things through—I did not. Do not try to be a friend to the child or children, they will probably lose respect for you and believe me, you must have their respect if you are going to be a good Step Mom. Do not try to replace their mother. Do love them; they will love you twice as much in return. As time passes and they learn that you mean what you say and that you follow through with your decisions, they will not only respect you but they will love you for the time and effort you have taken to care about their well being. They will mind you and they will love and respect you; these things are critical to being a good parent.
My choice could have been different but since it was not I “grabbed the bull by the horns” as they say and pressed onward to do the best I could with a very tough situation. Those thirteen years were full of many emotions; tears, love, happiness and laughter; one thing we all shared was a sense of humor and the love of laughter. It helped me through many a difficult day.
The movie Step Mom was very sweet, but it does not necessarily fit the pattern of most families’ day-to-day lives. The biological mother of my step children left one day (when the baby was two years old) out of the blue and left a note on the kitchen table so when their father got home he came home to all the kids and the “note”. Sad, isn’t it? Their mother left because she wanted to party and she was tired of having kids. She did not visit or call the children for a very long time. These kids had some broken hearts, as you might imagine. Their father had a lot of baggage from the situation, too, plus baggage from other failed relationships and marriages as I found out later on.
I have given it a lot of thought over the years and I think since I had no security as a child (22 schools by the time I was 15); and parents that did not want us when I was growing up, I wanted to help make a good difference in the lives of these children. Wrong reason to marry someone. Once I had completed my self-imposed “job description”, I left my husband and divorce soon followed. But I felt a sense of accomplishment because I waited through years of hellacious, hectic days and total unhappiness as a wife until the children had all graduated from high school with no unplanned pregnancies and no drug problems. It was a really tough job, but I have no regrets. (more later)<a
